10 Strategies for Developing Higher Emotional Resilience

By Dr. Diane Kramer

Message from Anna Cuevas, The Loan Mod Guru

I found this article and it was so great I wanted to share it with you.  There are many faculties that need to be developed before you are able to effectively handle difficult situations, if not developed this process could leave you feeling frustrated, helpless and defeated in a time when you MUST be strong, determined and confident.  Facing foreclosure head on can be one of the most difficult things you will ever go though but when you develop certain traits you can discover inner strengths you never knew you had.  In this time, more than ever you must take action, fear often paralyzes homeowners.  Developing more EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE is key to being your own best advocate in life and also when fighting to SAVE YOUR HOME. Dr. Diane Kramer says that when you have more Emotional Resilience you will be able to make much better decisions about your life and you will be be equipped to handle whatever happens to you in your life, including facing the loan modification process. I urge you to read through and put into action these 10 strategies for developing higher emotional resilience so you can be a more effective advocate for yourself.  This coupled with being adequately prepared and knowledgeable in the loan modification process will give you a higher chance for a successful HAMP or in-house loan modification.  Expect ONLY Miracles and Question Authority, Anna Cuevas, The Loan Mod Guru


What is Emotional Resilience?

Lets start by contrasting Low Emotional Resilience with High. Read along and use the bulleted items to identify your own patterns.

People with LOW Emotional Resilience:

  • Frequently feel anxious and upset
  • Let themselves be ruled by automatic habits and belief systems that often create negative self-fulfilling prophecies.
  • Handle crisis, pressure and stress poorly
  • Frequently feel overwhelmed
  • Predict negative futures and fill themselves with fear and worry about these futures
  • Mostly do not like change as it causes them to feel anxious about the unknown
  • Do not take responsibility for questioning their beliefs and managing their feelings
  • Lack self-confidence
  • Are thrown off balance by failure, rejection and criticism
  • Are usually indecisive or can go in the other direction and act too impulsively
  • Often don’t believe deeply in themselves; they don’t feel powerful or worthwhile or loveable enough
  • Are prone to being pleasers, perfectionists or avoiders
  • Can be quick to anger, frustration, resentment or disappointment and don’t know how to deal with those feelings
  • Have a tendency to depress themselves to keep from making scary choices
  • Sometimes just avoid or escape into immediate gratification instead of dealing with complex challenges and choices
  • Do not make their choices based on mission and purpose
  • Are easily hurt
  • Think a lot of negative and self-defeating thoughts
  • Don’t easily unlearn the self-defeating patterns set in motion in childhood

People with HIGH Emotional Resilience:

In contrast, people with HIGH Emotional Resilience mostly experience a clear, energized focused and motivated inner space. Their emotional lives are mostly positive, dwelling in such feelings as confidence, worthwhileness, love, joy, enthusiasm, interest, determination, eagerness, hope, pride, appreciation and acceptance. Their decisions are carefully thought through, based on their knowing that they will be able to handle the worst and the best of the future. They:

  • Remain positive and optimistic under most circumstances
  • Are able to step back and consider their patterns and habits; they make new choices about what to believe and how to act, depending on what will help them reach their goals
  • Handle crisis, pressure and stress by bouncing back emotionally, feeling determined, and taking responsibility for their part in the situation – they congratulate themselves on taking that responsibility
  • Deal with overwhelming situations by detaching emotionally, organizing the situation into small chunks of pieces and taking systematic action
  • Predict positive futures and take responsibility for making them happen, through learning and problem-solving
  • Plan change as best as possible so that they can feel centered and calm; take responsibility for making it happen
  • Take full responsibility for detecting and changing limiting beliefs and managing their feelings
  • Feel self-confident, based on their belief that they can handle the future
  • Read failure, rejection and criticism as opportunities to learn more, rather than as attacks on themselves
  • Act on carefully thought through decisions – based on criteria of what is important, and on predicting future consequences from many perspectives
  • Believe deeply in themselves; feel powerful and worthwhile and loveable
  • Do not avoid but rather complete tasks one small step at a time; please themselves as well as others; set reasonable criteria for when a task is done, based on each situation
  • If provoked to anger, frustration, resentment or disappointment, quickly detach from those feelings and use them as messages to figure out how to think about the situation and what to do about it
  • When noticing they are depressing themselves, they detach from the implosion of their feelings and resolve whatever is stopping them from moving forward
  • Deal with complex challenges and choices by carefully thinking through the alternatives, learning what needs to be learned and moving forward one step at a time
  • Know that making choices based on mission and purpose will keep them feeling proud, positive and motivated
  • When hurt, quickly detach and examine the situation for what they can do, change, learn or believe differently so that the situation will not happen again
  • Think a lot of positive and self-affirming problem-solving thoughts
  • Easily unlearn the self-defeating patterns set in motion in childhood

How to Develop Higher Emotional Resilience

Higher Emotional Resilience can be cultivated. For instance, participants in our Extraordinary Self Programs all report higher Emotional Resilience by the end of the course (look for our coming Extraordinary Self eCourse series and Emotional Resilience eWorkbooks.)

Here are ten ways for developing Higher Emotional Resilience. Our next few newsletters will be devoted to delving into this topic in more depth.

  1. Increase Self-Awareness – Change comes about through noticing patterns. Keep a journal of your patterns. A pattern is any recurring way of thinking, feeling and acting in situations. For instance, everytime you don’t get what you want, you might have the same type of reaction. Knowing your patterns is the first step in changing them to more productive patterns.
  2. Detach from Negative Feelings – Most people assume that negative feelings come from being provoked by outside events. Negative feelings actually come from the meaning we assign to those events. The first step in changing the meaning of the event is to distance yourself from the feelings. One simple way to do this is to yell STOP in your mind. Another way is to imagine STEPPING OUT of the movie in which you are having the bad feeling, and instead watch yourself watching yourself in the movie.
  3. Examine and Change Beliefs – Belief sets are part of the meaning that creates our feelings. Beliefs often come from our past, our culture and from the people around us. We can decide to change beliefs once we learn how. Make it your goal for this year to learn how to change beliefs. Changing limiting beliefs will change the negative feelings you experience.
  4. Interrupt and Change Negative Talk – what we say to ourselves directly impacts our Emotional Resilience and the feelings we feel at any given time. Yell STOP to change negative thoughts. Then focus on problem-solving instead.
  5. Focus on Problem-Solving – Once you have detached from negative emotions, limiting beliefs and negative self-talk, you will have gained a lot of emotional resilience. Now its time to take responsibility for the situations that used to upset you. Ask yourself: What do I want to happen in this situation that is in my control or influence? What do I need to do our learn to make that happen?
  6. Set Mission and Purpose – Having a mission or purpose in each area of your life helps you to stay energized, focused, determined and motivated, no matter what is happening. For instance, if one mission is to maintain high level-health, then whenever a health challenge arises, you will take the necessary steps to improve your health – such as diet or exercise or further consultations with experts.
  7. Take One Small Step at a Time – Rome wasnt built in a day. Expecting too much, attempting to do too much and focusing too much on the big goal often leads to stress and pressure. Better to focus down on just the next step, and reward yourself with a ‘pat on the heart’ when you achieve that step. When you focus on only the next step, you will easily be able to learn what you need in order to succeed in mastering the step. When you focus on only one STEP, you can easily shift from ‘fear of failure’ to ‘there is no failure, only failure to learn’.
  8. Learn to Appreciate Yourself – You are uniquely you. Other people’s points of you about you are often distorted by their own needs, fears and belief sets.
    The goal here is to disentangle yourself from their perceptions of you and find ways of appreciating you. This includes deciding that you are good enough even if they did not think so, , learning about your strengths, abilitie and gifts, and keeping a journal of your successes. All these strategies help in you feeling good about you.
  9. Develop Decision-making Strategies – One you have more Emotional Resilience, you are ready to start to make better decisions. Better decision-making includes:
    • changing your perceptions of the past so that the past does not limit your thinking about opportunities
    • believing that you will be able to handle the future with your new found Emotional Resilience and your ability to focus down one step a time on what you need to learn if you fail, rather than on feeling bad
    • examing all sides of the decision to figure out what are the benefits and deficits of each
    • focusing on the long-term consequences of each side of the decision in order to choose what you are willing to live with
  10. Surround Yourself with Positive People – Fill your life with positive people who feel good about you and are validating and supportive. These people will help you maintain that Emotional Resilience in the worst of circumstances.

I hope this article helps. I will be following up with focus on each of these 10 strategies over the next few months. You will have the opportunity to enroll in our Extraordinary Self eCourse series this year as well as take advantage of our eWorkbook series on Emotional Resilience.

Please send me an email to let me know what you think of this article, or let me know how I can help.

Warmly, Diane

For More information or coaching please contact:
Dr. Diane Kramer dkramer@extraordinaryself.com

She can be reached at: 631-630-0570

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